My Life Centre BLOG

i'm trying so hard to keep this in and forget about it but i just can't anymore .. i've been played by so many guys recently, i feel so used. and i can't blame them entirely because it was my fault too, i allow it and stuff but sometimes i have no control. sometimes i really don't care because there's no feeling between us both but the other day i lost my virginity to this guy and now i think i'm starting to regret it.. i feel so stupid because i've been through so much and i told myself, i made a promise to myself before, that i wouldn't let a guy hurt me anymore. i told myself i wouldn't give in to all this bullshit and all that stuff but i did ... but iunno this was different ... it was kind of more stupider too though .. i met this guy on twitter , i know it sounds SO DESPERATE but i only met him because i needed help in biology and he helped :$ we started talking like 3 months ago, it was just about school work first. he was so cute, he noticed i had problems with school and my parents and he wanted to help me. in the new year, we started talking even more. i had his number, we talked on the phone and went on skype. we started to get to know each other and we both told each other that we had a past. it felt like i could finally trust him. and he was smart, good looking, really nice, like i thought i finally found someone ... so on january 4, we made a promise to each other than we wouldn't mess around sexual wise with other people, and if we did it would only be us. we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, so if we were even thinking about it, we wouldnt cause we both didn't want to cheat. it was cute at first, cause i think we were actually going out. we would talk on the phone, skype till 4 am, he would be all cute .. but the only problem was that he lived SO FAR . like he lived in s* and i lived in m*. so i really wanted to see him and that's what i did. this past weekend i went to go see him, it was actually really cool at first. he was really good looking and smart, talkable it was really good. we were in his car, and he knew from before that he knew i wanted to loose my virginity in a car one day, haha. but yeah so we parked in some random place and we were making out and i gave him a blowjob... ugh all that stuff.. but then i don't even know how it happened but we ended up having sex .. we used protection though? yay? i dunno i'm starting to think it was me... was i not good at sex? like hoenstly, it didn't feel that great.. it kinda felt we were doing it just cause ... i don't think we had enough feelings... like loved each other or anything.. so why did we even do it, i don't know :( but what sucks SO MUCH RIGHT NOW is that he's being really different .. well iunno i feel bad because he's in grade 12 and he probably is really busy and stuff so maybe i'm overthinking things.. but we haven't sat down and talked about it properly or even talked like we did before this day ... like they say having sex messes everything up .. yeah it actually does.. but i don't know what to do... i want him, i want to be friends with him , something at least .. but i hate this feeling. it's making me feel so insecure about myself, like i can't find a proper guy who won't play me. why does everyone want me for my body? why am i so f*ed up? please help